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A self destructive tendency is started to grow inside me every time I get into a deep depression. I start to brake every bond of trust and confidence around me, I give promises to people which I’m never gonna fulfill, I start to crawl into a huge pile of darkness where nothing happens, even eating and sleeping becomes a huge task to carry out. And I do all of this intentionally even though I can not understand why I’m doing it. Although it’s not possible to hold a mentally ill responsible for what he/she is doing, but it’s possible to assume that anyone might claim insanity to do things that a reasonable person never does.

It’s not really clear to me, though, that either I have will to stop what I’m doing (or I’m not doing) or I just can not stop it. Also it’s not clear how can I stop sinking inside this hole, in which I also don’t know how much I progressed into, I don’t know if it’s gonna be over soon or if it’s gonna get darker and emptier. But I know while I’m still in there, I don’t do anything and I will continue to break myself with stressful situation made by unfulfilled promises which be made to show when I’m gonna come out of this mode.

Fuck Sun Tzu and his ancient ‹The Art Of War›, I know my enemy pretty well and I still cannot fight it.

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